I understood now! ):
Someone once asked me, "why you didnt change your blog url? Not sian uh? " i replied i was "LAZY!" but now then i realised , stories-withoutyou was always been part of my life. manys have came in and walk out in this time ever since i created . i hated it so much. Sometimes even i wonder why didn't i change my url to something else when i have someone who is good w me during the moment , but i hesitated and hold back. Cause i find it useless to change my personal stuff for someone i loved. Thought i might sound like a bitch but i'm used to having mindset like this. i dont understand why either . i read back those old stuff that i posted and i was wondering if this was childish ! back then , i find it so mature . Perhaps, a few months later i read back this post, i might find it childish too. i appreciate things easily , i dont like things which is costy i would prefer something do by heart. That's why to some peoples if that's counted budget, you dont know what is life. i dislike the way i'm now, sleeping late at night and waking up early like fuck . It's fucking irritating . i hate myself for acting out a smile infront of so many when i dont really had a mood for laughter. i dislike being aside alone and walk like an idiot when others is looking. the feeling totally sucks. I read something so meaningful and i realised that it similar when it cames to me & her. i dont know why i'm blogging all these at this time but i'm sure my mindset is controlling me now. I might act as nothing has happen if this is the way you wanted i'm sorry, i cant. i'm not as stong as a super hero. i'm not an actor, i cant hide my emotions well.
All these while you have told me what you hated about me , i've been thinking seriously, it's not the way i wanted to be like this, i didnt know how to explain so now i'm trying here. Firstly , thought i'm always joking about how hot others might be but in my eyes, you've said you are my boyf. There's no reason i'll fall for someone hot, when you are awesome to me. Secondly, it's not the way i wanted to be mature. you will never understand this cause you are not the oldest in your family, i have lil cousin which is way younger then me and i cant not be mature you've understand? if i'm immature it's will be disaters in my family, you can imagine how messy my family will be when no ones it looking after the young ones. i cant act the way you wanted, cause i'm uncomfortable w it. if it's fine. i'm okay. but it's way too i cant imagine. Thirdly, i'm always distrubing you, frankly speaking i enjoyed it. Cause there's no other way i can entertain you up. i tried to entertain that's why you wouldn't always be the one cheering me up. when there's no one to cheer you. i didnt know how to sweet talk like you do. i didnt know how to touched someone like you do. Cause i'm different from you. i tried so hard but i failed. i wanted to make you smile cause you are always so moody where ever you go. you might told me you seems happy but i didnt saw that coming up from your smile. i'm upset whenever you are my dear, whenever you smile, i tend to be so happy cause it's awesome. i mayb not good at words, but at least i tried. this few months i tried so much , i might always have the what-ever look on my face, but infact deep inside i tried way to hang on to this relationship. i didnt imagine that we would broke up like this, i didnt imagine we will end this quickly, It's been 15th days and i'm still thinking. You said many hurtful words that i didnt expect you to tell me. i didnt realised that i have been such a lousy girlfriend the past 3 months . i didnt realised that there's will be a fade in our love . i didnt realised that you did so many stupid things just to tell me you dont love me anymore. i didnt expect all these.Dont you remember we made alot of promises together. we say that we wouldn't break of so easily, how can you promise so easily when you've already fade your love. thought back, i realised , mayb it was my mistake for falling in earlier, i never thought you would stand such a strong impact in my heart, cause i told myself not to fall deeply in when i have a fuckedup relationship before you. but now, this is something i never expected , please go on happy w that girl you loved. It's totally link-less when you tell me those stupid things. Think about it. When the times we are together , how many time have you compared me and her, how many times have you said about her? how many times have you cared when you thought that i cant feel a single bit. think about it. How much you bear to hurt me when you dont even hurt her cause the reason you gave was you are strong , yet she immature.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
3:20 PM